Orthohair?

I realized today that I have not posted in over two whole months- horrific, abysmal, and not very kind to the 3-8 readers that visit my blog.

The problem is that I still have nothing interesting to write about, so I will make you suffer through the sort of silliness with which I amuse myself. (Ahem- how conceited is that- to laugh at one's own wit and then force it on others?)

First- the back story- it is really hot and humid here and this sort of weather awakens my own personal Balrog- my hair. Those curls of which I am waaaaay too proud become a frizzy, strangling monster seemingly bent on a) eating my head off my shoulders and b) interfering with my driving.

As a result, on sultry days like today, I'll slather on lots of product and use brute force to tie all the hair back into a tight, compact bun. It's not an especially flattering look on yours truly, but I figure it's a fair price to pay in exchange for the safety of mankind.

Headline.... Murderess: "Hair made me do it."

Anyway, this a.m., after wrestling the beast into its chemical cage, I ran into someone from church who asked how I manage to make my big hair to do that. And my glib reply was:

"This kind never comes out except by prayer and fasting."
(see Matthew 7:21)

Chortle. At least- I chortled. And then into my head popped an image of a black bottle of hair unguent, with a pump dispenser and big red lettering: PRAYER-AND-FASTING, with small letters below: Extra-Mega-Hold Gel tames your worst hair demons.

The end result was a fully-imagined complete line of hair-care products for Orthodox women:

+ Prayer and Fasting hair gel
+ Lenten Shampoo: No animal products, olive oil, fish products. Timely Myrrh scent. Cleans hair without making it shiny, so as not to distract men from prayer.
+ Jordan Hair Clay: Combine your spittle with clay extracted from a certain river to make a rejuvenating hair masque. Takes three rinsings to work effectively.

Ooh- a men's line, too:

+ Pharisee Serum: growth serum ideal for hyper-zealots or the soon-to be ordained. Applying to beard once daily for a week gives you the monk's look without all the prayer and vegetarian food. Use fingers only to apply, not comb- combing will remove the desired tangles needed for the in-but-not of-the-world look. Not suitable for clergy in "modern" jurisdictions; instead use...
+ Orthohair's Mini-Presvy Combination Beard trimmer and Prayer and Fasting hair gel applicator with optional candlewax remover attachment.

See? SEE? This my friends, is the ridiculous tripe of which I have been trying to spare you for the last 10 weeks. (Notice I posted it anyway.)

Perhaps I should write for this webzine?